Oh February...

I've been having so many close-calls... and misses and disappointment in myself for being an idiot. I already missed two chances doing extra work cuz I never check my phone. (she was trying to text me too, but of course all texts are blocked now). And I just found out I missed an audition for a recording I could have so nailed. Sooooo pisseddd..... When am I going to grow up? Ever since year of the Rabbit started I swear. They say that you're usually unlucky you're own year. Since is the year of the rabbit everyone's supposed to be a little lucky... and I haven't been. I need to get organized. I am going to do it dammit. I need to transform myself. 

Well, aside from being angry at the moment because i found out i missed the audition... I had a good day yesterday.

After missing the first two times my friend tried to get me extra work, I finally answered her call for a gig for yesterday. Sucks it was all day, but hey I missed out on working at the restaurant for a day. It was a pretty sweet deal. We were shooting a 4th of July party in Tennessee. I got to eat stale chips, a cold, dry hamburger, and drink warm apple juice on set. Luckily I still kinda remembered the electric slide, so I did that with a couple people. It was fine during the day, but it was freezing at night and of course we couldn't wear jackets when we were filming. I'm glad I didn't get sick. We were there for 8 hours (which is standard) and I was really tired and wanted to go home, but it is Valentine's Day so I stopped by Ken's on the way home. Nothing was open for me to get a dinner that I wanted, so we went to his house and he made me a pack of Udon and gave me chocolates. I didn't think he got me some, so it made me really happy. Too bad I'm a horrible girlfriend and got him nothing XD. Oh well, that's what White Day is for right? XD 

Ok, guys. I need your support to make sure I make the effort to grasp every opportunity I can. I need to check my emails and phone several times a day so I stop missing out on chances. And I need someone to tell me it's okay if I stupidly missed an opportunity because I will get others. I'm still so angry at myself and when I'm in this state I don't know how to calm myself down. I NEED TO GROW UP. I'm a freakin adult and I need to start acting like one. Phew.

Happy New Year

Downtown Disney is not the place for me to go for New Year's it seems. Twice I've gone and twice I've been disappointed. Well, I rarely have fun on New Year's Eve, so I guess it's not their fault :p

2010 has been an amazing year for me. 2011 is going to take a lot of work to outdo the last. I hope there's lots in store for me if I'm patient. Though patience is something I'm definitely lacking. I want change and excitement in epic proportions at disproportionately quick times. 

A few resolutions from last year that worked for me (when I actually followed them... it's a work in progress. It's hard to change habits or characteristics of oneself ya know?):

1. when friends asked me to be part of their readings, productions ect., I just said yes and even though i had to figure out how to be 3 of me at a time, I did it and felt fantastic. Got rid of the constant "what if" feelings I get when I do have to decline. 

2. making an effort to go hang with new people and doing new things without feeling the stupid need to drag someone with me. I have this stupid habit (which is still in me) to want to try something new, but am too lazy to do it on my own so I try to make someone go with me. But when I went out of my comfort zone and just did them... I ended up enjoying myself a lot because its what I wanted to do anyway. Why am I holding myself back when someone else won't do it with me? Capoeira and Social Dance were so much fun. Even though I was tired from work and rehearsal, I went with some castmates to hangout with them afterwards (which I wouldn't characteristically do becuz I'm lazy and socially awkward), I have found such fun new friends I wouldn't have gotten to know otherwise. I really look forward to hanging out with them more. 

I'm nervous for the new year. You just never know what's going to come up or what's going to change or if change will happen at all. If life will go down a path of disappointing reality or become a magical fantasy. Hopefully I'll wake up refreshed and a bit more optimistic because I'm not feeling it yet. 

Well, here's to a new year.

Note to self...

Why is it so hard??? 

Must stay positive. Must stay positive.

I have my own path in life. I must be patient.

Stay patient. Stay patient. 

I must not compare myself to others (even though it's so hard to do godammit!).

In time I will carve my own destiny. 

I will be fucking awesome one day. 

I shouldn't waste idly waste time being an idiot feeling disappointed in myself.

I must not be jealous. Don't be jealous, I tell you!

*deep exhale*

I can do it.

I CAN DO IT!!!! 

I don't know!!!

Been doubting myself a lot lately. I've always thought myself a mediocre actor, and now I'm REALLY questioning my "talents". I had a recording last week and I wasted a lot of time (well first of all I was 20 minutes late cuz of traffic and I was an idiot that didn't try to leave earlier). But yeah, I took a long time to finally get the voice exactly how they wanted it and then I took an average of 10x per line to get it with the right inflection, manner, and pitch/voice, when it should be an average of 3-4x. I felt like I was wasting so much time (director, sound engineer, the two casting directors listening in and helping, and the producer). I couldn't believe myself and felt so ashamed. Because of all that, I have to come in for a second session unpaid to finish up. Not that I mind, but I felt like so much fail. 

Again with the acting fail is the theater show I've been in, Romeo and Juliet. Even throughout last weekend's performance, I was still confused as to how to deliver my lines because it seemed all in my head and I had nothing to play off of (no reaction from my partner to keep the moments spontaneous and new). I don't think I gave bad performances, but it wasn't memorable or impacting as the director (and I) wanted. I'm glad we had a brush up rehearsal today and reworked the blocking and intention behind my scenes now because I feel like its fresh and completely new now. I'm so excited. But I wish I had been able to bring something to the table rather than staying stuck. 

I was also really sad at the beginning of rehearsal because I realized that all my fun time at rehearsals with everyone and getting to know the cast is going to end very soon. I noticed it's the same way I felt about graduation. How completely alone I felt. How scary it feels. I know I will most likely get the chance to meet them again someday and that they're not gone forever, but it just feels that way. We won't ever get to have this same bond again. I hate to see things end when I'm enjoying myself i've noticed. It's also the fear of being at the restaurant all day everyday and having absolutely no time to socialize or time to myself except late at night (early morning is impossible really heh). I want to get away and yet I know not how. Don't want to abandon my parents, lazy to search for work, can't accept the part-time offer I wanted, dunno how to approach getting myself into the acting world and wondering if I even belong. I keep getting pressured by everyone to just break away from my parents and have my own life, but what is my own life? Would it really be better? Can I handle it? I feel like last school year was a trail run. My health really was shit, but I got to do a lot. Didn't have a paying job so it was a lot of money out. You took it as your major, don't you know anything? Oh ramble, ramble, ramble. I don't know..... 

People don't give me the feeling that they really think I'm something fantastic that needs to go out and just shine and succeed. It's more like, "wasn't this what you wanted? Why aren't you doing it, huh?" "And don't do it unless you're paid. Work there for minimum? You can get paid that much anywhere doing any job, why do that?" It's like I'll magically just become famous and fabulous overnight. I won't have to work my way up to a higher position like with any other job. Being looked down doesn't really help me want to try. It just makes me more confuse and want to hide. I do get kind words of encouragement from some people, but it's not like they've seen enough of my work to evaluate me. 

Someone shoot me now. I can't take this anymore. What the fuck do I do with me.

Wandering

I'm in that stage of insecure limbo again... trying to figure out who I am, what I want to do, and how I should get there. I'm really, really impatient and yet I haven't really been active about finding the answers to what I want to do with myself. I just get really irritated and ashamed when people start asking, "So what are you doing now that you've graduated?" I honestly don't really know. I felt better when I was still interning since it was related to the field that I wanted to go into, but that got chopped short cuz my parents are starting a business and they need my help to get it up and running. So then I get depressed and then I just go into a state of anger and frustration because I feel they're the cause of me turning out the way I did (unable to get more of my education... I've done more my 5th year than the other 4 years of my time at the university combined). But I know I'm mostly to blame. At least I know that when I focus my energies and get involved with the right people, I'm rather successful. It's just hard to believe that every time cuz there's so much rejection in that field. I don't even know what I want to do.

I had this conversation with my friend a couple times regarding what I want to do with myself. If I could really be satisfied with a job as a production assistant or do I want something else? He currently is one and (though he really likes his job) it's many hours of stress for low pay, the bosses are harsh, and he doesn't really have much to do hands on creative wise. He's all contact and scheduling mostly. I'm glad he was honest with me and was trying to help me try to understand myself. I really appreciate his help and I tell him continually so too. I think what I was able to narrow it down to was...

I want to be part of a team that creates something that will entertain, move, and inspire others.

He told me that if I wanted that, then I'd have to be part of something big. I guess I better get started on sorting out my life. Lately, I've just been turning to music to comfort me. I should work on a compilation of inspiring songs. Why is it that joy and security is so fleeting and sorrow and fear is so abundant? I started getting super down and I guess he could kind of tell cuz he invited me to go along with him and some others to Anime Vegas to let off steam, but alas couldn't cuz I'm at the shop scrubbing all day. But it's okay. I think looking at the guest list for it made me kinda down. While I'm happy I knew a majority of the guests and that they're all getting recognition and becoming successful, I'm envious that I'm not there yet. It's my fault anyway. I'm not as involved as they are on the forums ect. Anyway, so the conglomeration of these events have made me a terrible, bitter person. And family that sneers at me and mocks me behind my back (either directly from my bro or his fb). I guess my parents feel the way they do since extended family do so with them too and they feel pressured because I'm not the tall beauty that got a degree in medicine, business, or law. All these negative vibes just make me feel sort of lethargic and melancholy. I've developed this slacker mentality because I fear what'll happen. If I take this risk, what'll happen? 99.9% of the time, its rejection. That's hard. Really hard. I've been rejected things all my life. Why must I wait... why am I waiting? What am i waiting for? Godot? Cuz he sure ain't comin' anytime soon. I couldn't calm myself down until I decided to listen to a video a friend had sent me when I was wreck about graduation. 

Everyone's Free to Wear Sunscreen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ

The quote that got me in tears was:

"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself."

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I heard this song while driving home today and felt like it was talking directly to me. It was... comforting.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out, (feel left out)
Or looked down on.
Just do your best, (just do your best)
Do everything you can. (do everything you can)
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts (bitter hearts)
Are gonna say. 

It just takes some time,
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright)